POLYGYNY PAIN

 

There’s this discussion about wives being hurt because their husbands took another wife. I had also written, days ago, that this is about one of the most emotionally traumatizing things, if not the most traumatizing.

Let’s be clear with our terms. What I meant is emotional pain from one’s husband taking another wife. And this emotional pain is from the natural jealousy women have for their husbands. I am not making a distinction between jealousy and pain. I am saying this jealousy leads to this pain.

Let me clarify some points:

1. Was I being against polygyny?

No. I used to say I have been a vocal advocate for polygyny in our immediate environment, and I have my reasons, which I have stated very, very publicly.

There was a time a sister commented on one of my polygyny posts that people who talk about polygyny all the time are probably not happy with their wives 🤣. Yeah, it was that common.

I remember debating Pharm. Ust. Olatunji when he was citing the fact that the majority of scholars held that polygyny was not advisable. While I agreed with his submission about the majority, I argued that the situation in our local environment should make us see polygyny as, at the least, mustahabb. I remain on this stance.

2. Was the post to make women comfortable?

Not exactly. Even though I don’t deem it wrong to make our sisters comfortable with something they find naturally difficult, the fact of the matter is my post was directed to men who would listen to me. Not all men. Not all who listen to men. Just that narrow circle. And I caveated the post by saying I am not saying you shouldn’t do it. Just be sensitive to her feelings at that moment. So it wasn’t a woman-wrapper post 🤣.

Now to the meat of the issue:

What pain am I talking about? Emotional pain borne out of jealousy of not wanting to share one’s husband.

Note the following:

Jealousy is a feeling or emotion. An online dictionary defines jealousy as:

“Feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one’s partner is attracted to or involved with someone else.”

This is not different from the Arabic word غيرة. The well-known Arabic dictionary defines it similarly; in fact, it has an addition that makes it clear:

أغار الرجل زوجته ، جعلها تغار بالزواج و غيره
A man makes his wife have ghayrah when he marries another.

Does jealousy come with pain or cause pain? Yes, it does. Psychology.com says: “… jealousy is a painful emotional experience…”. So by definition, jealousy is a painful emotional experience.

Having sorted the definition of jealousy and emotional pain, have scholars in the past noted this? Or do we have evidence for it?

Yes, we do.

Here are some of them:

وقال ابن مفلح رحمه الله :

قال الطبري وغيره من العلماء : الغيرة مسامح للنساء فيها لا عقوبة عليهن فيها لما جُبِلن عليه من ذلك . ” الآداب الشرعية ” ( 1 / 248 ) .

Ibn Muflih, who died 763AH, that is about 700 years ago, quotes Tabari, who died 310AH, that is nearly 1000 years ago. He says: This jealousy of women is overlooked; there is no punishment for it as this is how they’ve been created.

Ibn Hajar was more comprehensive:

قال الحافظ ابن حجر رحمه الله :

وأصل الغيرة غير مكتسب للنساء ، لكن إذا أفرطت في ذلك بقدر زائد عليه تلام ، وضابط ذلك ما ورد في الحديث عن جابر بن عتيك الأنصاري رفعه : ( إِنَّ مِنْ الْغَيْرَةِ مَا يُحِبُّ اللَّهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ ، وَمِنْهَا مَا يَبْغُضُ اللَّهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ ، فَأَمَّا الْغَيْرَةُ الَّتِي يُحِبُّ اللَّهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ فَالْغَيْرَةُ فِي الرِّيبَةِ ، وَأَمَّا الْغَيْرَةُ الَّتِي يَبْغُضُ اللَّهُ عَزَّ وَجَلَّ فَالْغَيْرَةُ فِي غَيْرِ رِيبَةٍ ) حسنه الشيخ الألباني في “الإرواء” (7/80) – ، فالغيرة منهما – أي : من الزوج والزوجة – إن كانت لما في الطباع البشرية التي لم يسلم منها أحد من النساء ، فتعذر فيها ، ما لم تتجاوز إلى ما يحرم عليها من قول أو فعل ، وعلى هذا يحمل ما جاء من السلف الصالح عن النساء في ذلك . ” فتح الباري ” ( 9 / 326

“Jealousy of this nature is not acquired by women (rather, it is how they’re created). She is only blamed if she goes beyond the acceptable. This acceptable is defined by the hadith… No woman is free of this, so she is excused unless and until she says or does something that is haram. This is how we understand what has been narrated from some of the females amongst the salaf who showed this tendency.” Note the words: women from the pious salaf.

If one defines jealousy or pain differently from the above, fine, this post won’t be against what he or she thinks. But غيرة is something well-documented in the past, even in such cultures where polygyny was the norm. My people, the Yorubas say:

Osha jen pe meji obinrin o denu

“The prayer of a woman for a co-wife is not sincere.”

Has this painful or unpalatable feeling or emotion become exacerbated in modern times? Most likely. Practicing Muslims today, particularly the Western-educated, have imbibed the Cinderella-esque fairy tale of monogamous marriages: “and they lived happily ever after.” This will most likely have a more increased effect on the natural jealousy they initially had. But it was there all along.

And by the way, some women will gleefully accept a co-wife just to come and suffer with them. Grotesque, but I have seen it. And there are those whose marriage survival depends on it. Outside of this, polygyny is one of the most emotionally traumatizing experiences for women. I am not saying you shouldn’t do it; I am only saying be compassionate.